Shidela

The Truth.

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 07:08:24 GMT

I think it’s funny that someone can be cheated on by his girlfriend and cheat on her just the same and yet neither do anything about it because they are afraid of starting conflict and ending their little dream. Especially since both of them are so against the idea of adultery, yet they both commit it and think they aren’t in the wrong for doing so and yet think the other is, however, wrong for doing the same thing.

She believes they will be together forever. Forever is the word she used, not even one I conjured. They’ve moved in together, so I suppose she thinks that’s a sign her prediction is true. To quote him, though, he will love me forever. He said this long ago, and has since confirmed its truth several times over through word and action, even recently. Why am I not with him, then, instead of the current girlfriend that he lives with whilst they both commit adultery? Because he’s a typical man, at least in the sense that he wants to be with other women before he feels like he has settled down-- thinking with his dick, as he said.

Which, mind you, is completely normal and to be expected of any man his age, my age. I may not like the idea, but I suppose that’s something I have to live with until he gets through this stage of his life. At the same time, I wonder if he ever will come back to me, and I wonder if I want him back after all of this. His best friend seems to think he will come back to me in time, and thinks that while she is a fleeting fancy, I am the one that will always be there and someone he will always love and care about. Again, I am quoting.

This will probably not be something he will be pleased to read, nor will she. However, if they aren’t pleased by the truth of the situation, then something is inherently wrong to begin with and should be looked at. I’m not saying I’m trying to help or change the situation, I’m just saying what I know to be true, and though it may not be pretty, it’s there. I may lose his friendship over this, but I’m willing to risk that. He may think I’m a bitch, and I won’t deny it. He knows this is part of who I am and tells me not to hide it, so I’m not. I’m being what I wanted to be for so long, vindictively harsh and somewhat manipulative, perhaps. Maybe I am just putting on the suit of the jealous ex-girlfriend, I’m not sure. I guess it goes along with being a woman and a Blasdell; we’re all stubborn to a fault.

I'm holding on to the fragments of what once was in hopes that they may be pieced back together one day. I tried to let them go, but they have pierced my heart so deeply that they can't leave. I tried to give him an ultimatum. I couldn't hold myself to it. I couldn’t even consider being with another man intimately, even just as friends, without feeling like I was betraying him, cheating on him. I’m willing to admit that I’m hopelessly devoted to him. In my mind, I’ve been with him for just about four years now. I have had other boyfriends and crushes, I won’t deny that one bit, but once I look back (with my 20/20 hindsight as my History professor called it), he’s been the only one my heart has attached itself to with no doubt.

Truth is an ugly thing, if you think about it. Lies are what make it truly hideous, however.

Writer's Block: Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

Tue, 06 May 2008 20:26:18 GMT

What is one thing you MUST do before you go to bed at night?

Submitted By twink

View 501 Answers

Hm. One thing I have to do before I go to bed? Well take off my glasses I guess. I usually turn on my electric blanket and snuggle up with my pillow, too. I have to be nice and warm in order to sleep well.

Another one!

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 03:35:07 GMT

We just had another earthquake up here! This time it was a 5.2, but it was 35 miles away, so it didn't feel as strong.

woo! Earthquake!

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 22:17:51 GMT

We just had an earthquake (less than ten minutes ago, at 3:00) I thought it was cool.

Second one I've felt and remembered. It was only a 3.7 magnitude, but I'm pretty close to the epicenter (less than 10 miles directly, methinks), so it was pretty cool feeling :) What's really cool is that nothing went down or fell or anything at the school, so I can post this :D

Newsletter & Valentine's Day

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 06:43:58 GMT

So. I totally have like this pseudo-job-like-thing. I design a newsletter for a club up here. They're called Humboldt Bay Model A Club. Basically, they're an old car club. What I do is take pictures, stories and information and type it all up, and make it into a pretty little newsletter every two months. I just finished doing my second one for them (I did one in late November for December and January, and I just did the February and March one). I feel oddly accomplished.

I think it's funny, because at the beginning I told them to make up a flat rate for me to do these for them per issue (the amount of time could vary a lot and I didn't want to keep track of it). Pat, the Newsletter editor and previous designer, chose $30 ($10/hr estimating 3 hours max per issue). Now, that seems reasonable, since it took her 1-2 hours per issue and it's not like this is a group that makes a ton of money or anything. The first issue took me 8 hours. The one I just finished today took me 6.5 hours. I haven't even made the final corrections yet.

Now, don't get me wrong, it's actually quite a bit of fun. It's a good way to build up my clips and get some work experience, as well as a little bit of extra cash, and the people I'm doing it for are really nice folks. The hardest part is finding a computer to do it on.

Something I've been thinking about lately is the last time I was single on Valentine's Day was in 7th grade. That's 4 years in a row I've had a boyfriend on V-day. (Jared in '04, Dave in '05, Jeff in '06 and Dave again in '07).

Weird to think about. Maybe someone will ask me out between now and V-day?

I swear I'm alive still...

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 22:54:27 GMT

You Are a Red Crayon

Your world is colored with bright, vivid, wild colors.
You have a deep, complex personality - and you are always expressing something about yourself.
Bold and dominant, you are a natural leader. You have an energy that is intense... and sometimes overwhelming.
Your reaction to everything tends to be strong. You are the master of love-hate relationships.

Your color wheel opposite is green. Green people are way too mellow to understand what drives your energy.

What Color Crayon Are You?

sigh

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 04:17:07 GMT

I need a job. And more financial aid money. And a cheap place to live.

*sigh*

Just a quick update...

Wed, 11 Jul 2007 15:46:37 GMT

I have a bus ticket home :D Leaving the afternoon of the 25th and should get there the night of the 28th :D

Ummmm.........yeah. Off to play MapleStory and/or CoH.

sigh...

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 18:44:24 GMT

I got $130 for my birthday... Which is enough for a three-day-long bus ride home. Good thing I'm borrowing Jared's DS... I'll have something to do.

I still need to call Mark and Vicky Lynn to see if they'll let me stay with them until I can get on my feet (school grants, or a job)...

Probably leaving the last week of July or the first week of August.

Nervous.

It's my birthday :D

Wed, 04 Jul 2007 15:26:59 GMT

Already bored out of my mind :P Prolly going to just sit around and play CoH until later tonight when we go out for dinner and watch the fireworks. Waiting on an auction to end on eBay, too (ends at about 3:45)... If I don't win that one at my max bid at $14+3 for shipping I'll do one of the buy it nows for $10+8 for shipping.

Anyway, I'll probably update tonight or tomorrow morning, so off to play CoH I go.

Fri, 18 May 2007 01:08:59 GMT

Tuesday, May 15, 2007 Continued:

3:10PM Went to MHS to meet Dave
Went to Arcata and Eureka for his job (done at about 4PM), then to Arcata again for his tux
5:05PM arrived at Mom's house again with Dave. Tori home, Mom not again.

Packed more stuff, including the rest of my clothes, papers, knick-knacks, books, etc. Room was in the same condition as before, probably untouched
Brought boxes and a suitcase from my grandma's; got a lot of things out of there and in Dave's car.

Around 6PM Left to Dave's house to get his Dad's truck so we could have more room and able to do the rest in one trip

Dave ate food and we rested for a little while
Dave's mother, Vicky Lynn, invited me to stay with them for the night after explaining my situation and that I was going to be leaving

7:02PM Dad calls to make sure I get the email from him and his lawyer so I can sign and return by 8AM the next morning
7:19PM Malli calls to make sure everything's okay and to get a general update
8-8:30PM arrive at Mom's house again

Continue packing miscellaneous items
Mom comes home, attempts to communicate

Badgers me about whether or not I know this will mess with college, about how she's going to call CR and tell them she revokes her signatures, about how she's calling me in as truant and that I'm staying at my grandma's against her rule. Makes sure I'm aware that she won't try to contact me so she won't have to be a part of my life—trying to lay on a guilt trip.

Suggests I'm just going to stay at my grandma's and not really go to Florida until the July 17 flight already planned.

I call Aunt Sue at 8:53PM to call her back like I said I would, letting her know I was okay and staying at Dave's for the night and that I would keep her updated and call periodically

Around 10:30PM leave Mom's house again with a truck full of my stuff

Unload the stuff at my grandma's

10:53PM arrive at Dave's house again, get ready for bed and go to sleep

Wednesday, March 16, 2007

7AM wake up
Vicky Lynn invites me over after I'm done at my Grandma's
7:32AM Leave Dave's, dropped off at Grandma's to sign and return the paper for custody
7:50AM Send the paper via scan and email to both my father and his lawyer
10:10AM Arrive at MHS (on foot) to attend Redwood Days (College of the Redwoods registration day)
1:15PM Speak with Sahlberg (teacher)
1:50PM Go to Dave's car in the MHS parking lot, wait for him to get out of class
3:25PM Went to Arcata and Eureka for his job again
About 4:45PM, Stop by my Grandma's to let me pick up clothes and get some food
5:15PM Leave Grandma's, go to Dave's again, where I stay for the rest of the night

Thursday, March 17, 2007

9:50AM wake up
10:53AM leave Dave's house to go to Grandma's (on foot)

Pack suitcases a little bit more, eat, etc.
Call Dad, talk to Lori, Grandma and Dad

Custody won't be in court until Wednesday, may have to wait until then unless Mom signs a paper saying I can leave to Florida

12:10PM Arrive at school, return all school books but one (which was at my mom's house)
12:25PM Arrive at Mom's house (on foot)

Nobody home, door unlocked, grab school book, birth certificate, social security card and a few miscellaneous forgotten items
Right as I leave, Tori comes in, ask her to have Mom call me when she gets home from work

12:49PM Arrive at MHS again (on foot)

Return final book
Spoke with Dave

1:20PM Leave MHS to Grandma's (on foot)

A lot of changes...

Tue, 15 May 2007 21:55:48 GMT

This is the timeline I've been working on regarding what's been happening with me, in case you didn't know, my father lives in Florida and my grandmother is visiting them there. Malli and Tori are my younger and older sisters, respectively, Lori is my Dad's girlfriend/fiance/partner/whatever and Dave is, well, Dave. Will continue to update this timeline as I remember. If anyone has questions leave a comment or something and I'll try to clarify.

Monday, March 14, 2007

Went to school 7:50AM, attended school for the day.

Arrived home at about 3:20PM

Dispute with mother. Tori witnessed most.
Called Dad to confirm ability to live/stay with him, general arrangements made, including ability to stay at my grandma’s house for as long as I needed to. Spoke to Malli, Dad, Lori and Grandma (4:32PM)
Mom refused to sign a note saying Dad was to take care of me and to grant him custody after saying I could leave
Mom and Dad spoke on the phone, Mom hung up on him refusing anything but seeing me off to a plane to Florida (around 4:30-4:40PM)
Called Dad back, spoke with him, Malli, Grandma and Lori again to continue previous conversation
Called Dave, explained a few things and he came over
Packed computer, mini-TV, Playstation2, and accessories
Packed clothes and necessities for myself in my backpack
Left home at about 6:14PM, went to Dave’s house to unload Dave’s stuff in Dave’s car.
Mom called at around 7:57PM, left voicemail saying she still had custody of me, would report the changes to FAFSA (residency, income), and that she needed to know where I was

Called her back less than 2 minutes later, no answer, hung up

Left Dave’s home around 8:30PM? (between 8 and 9PM) with Dave
Arrived at my grandmother’s home to stay the night, called Dad when we arrived
Cop showed up at around 9:18PM due to a call from a neighbor about an unrecognizable car in the driveway, expected occurrence.

Explained that I was allowed to be here, called my grandma from my cell and let the cop speak to her, cleared everything up. Dave had to leave by 10PM.

Mom called at 9:22PM

Spoke with her, told her where I was, and that I was going to stay at Grandma’s for the night, she said I could go home of my own will or she would call the cops, I told her that I wasn’t leaving.

Dave left at about 9:57PM
Cleaned up a few things around the house to kill time, just in case an officer showed up so I wouldn’t be in bed if they did, finally went to bed at about 10:15PM after calling Dave for a few minutes regarding personal things and also calling another good friend, Rachael, to let her know I was okay.

Tuesday, March 15, 2007

Woke up to Dave at 7:30AM (phone call), spoke to him for 10-15 minutes regarding ability to go to his house to help set up our computer (legally it belongs to me, he is taking care of it for me with my intent of giving it to him) today
Took a shower, woke up and straightened up the room I slept in
Got a suitcase from my grandma’s garage and started putting clothes, etc. in there so I could start preparing to leave to Florida.
Started compiling this timeline (9:30AM as I write this line)
Aunt Sue called at about 9:35AM, explained basics, she offered to let me stay at her home if I needed to, said I would call her back later tonight
Mom called at 10:44AM. Discussed FAFSA. Claimed to take action and cancel my award, also to inform McKinleyville High I was truant. She said I could call my dad and he could file papers and I could stay wherever he wanted me to under his custody, but as long as I was under her custody I was not allowed to be at my grandma’s.
Called Dad at 10:52AM to update him on what my mom said. Said he would call his lawyer, Christopher, to get the custody process in the works. Started talking about time and when I would be heading out there, etc. May wait until after Prom (Saturday) or before if that doesn’t happen. Said I would update him tonight or as things happened.
Dad called at 11:32AM telling me to call Dustin at Christopher’s law office (441-1185)
Called law office at 11:34AM, spoke with Dustin about the discrepancy with my mom to write up a formal declaration regarding custody. Emailed him this timeline since the 10:52AM update at 11:45AM
12:04PM started walking to school to communicate with friends and a teacher, called Dad to update him about talking to Dustin and where I was going and more plans
12:17PM Malli called from her cell phone to see what was up and if I had any updates
12:30PM, called Dave to talk to him about plans after school, was on MHS campus
1:15PM Arrived at Mom’s house, gathered up two backpacks full of miscellaneous sentimental items and other important things

Tori home, Mom not. Found my room messed up because I had a few things of my mom’s in there, so someone got them out, including a laundry basket so my dirty clothes were on the floor and all of my yarn and crocheting stuff was dumped out on the floor because it was in one of her wicker baskets. My bed was stripped as well. Took my one blanket that my grandma gave to me on my birthday a few years ago.
Tori “helped” me and tried to get me out faster because she gets my old room, made note that she was putting my stuff outside when I said I might not be back until late afternoon to evening because I didn’t have access to a car until then.

1:55PM Left Mom’s house
2:07PM arrive on Grandma’s trailer park (Ocean West), Dad called to see how it went at my mom’s and let me know he was waiting on the custody papers and was still working on that. Also made sure I was doing okay at my grandma's and letting me know I could eat whatever it is I wanted, etc.

I GIVE UP

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 02:31:01 GMT

Okay, this is the last time my mom's going to change her damn mind. I'm not going to Germany. I don't care if we win the lottery and I can go, I'm not going to because this is ridiculous.

Anyway, going to be trying The Burning Crusade (WoW expansion) for ten days, just for the hell of it. Yay for free trials. Probably start it when I get bored after I'm finished updating everything. Got WoW nice and patched, but TBC is still downloading, so it might have to wait until tomorrow.

I re-read Sunshine by Robin McKinley finally. Excellent book. Going to work on Sabriel, Lirael, and Abhorsen next, all by Garth Nix. Again, books I've read before but I think it's time I re-read.

Going to court with my mom tomorrow over the house against my dad. Stayed at my grandma's Friday night (we picked up my dad from the airport) so I got to hang out with them Friday afternoon/night and most of Saturday. We ended up heading over to my aunt's house and visiting with them in the afternoon, was really fun to see everyone again :)

Hopefully I'll be hanging out with Dave tonight, awaiting his call right now. I dunno, I'm getting rather impatient with this whole waiting thing and I can't wait until I can start calling him my boyfriend again. I have to catch myself most of the time. I miss him way too much :(

I found a job that's basically perfect for me, though. I'll post the description:

F/T Web Support

The Times-Standard is looking to fill a F/T web support position. The candidate will perform daily tasks and work both independently and closely with the interactive manager to successfully complete online initiatives. The candidate must be knowledgeable in HTML and have a working knowledge of Adobe Photoshop. Other desired skills: PHP, ASP, MySQL, Macromedia Flash and DreamWeaver. Journalism experience a plus. Attention to detail critical

Yeah, applying tomorrow, and for those who don't know, I've been working with Photoshop/HTML since I first got my hands on a computer, oh, six years ago? Yeah. I was obsessed, too.

I suppose I'm going to go for now. Later.

So confusing!

Fri, 20 Apr 2007 01:01:18 GMT

Oy vey, apparently now I'm going to Germany again.

Oh em gee. :(

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 04:15:37 GMT

Well, I'm not going to Germany anymore.

Don't ask, too lazy to explain.

I need monies!!!

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 04:08:35 GMT

So, yeah, like I said in my previous post, I'm still trying to find out ways to pay for my Germany trip... My mother and I are having trouble paying for it, so any contribution anyone can make is greatly appreciated. The trip, in total, costs about $3,000 including air fare, hotels, food, transportation within Germany, and museum and other fees. You can make donations in any domination you choose. It goes straight to my PayPal account set up for this trip. Thank you! :D

Just updating a little bit...

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 20:38:12 GMT

Yeah, it's been a long time since I've updated, so here's what's going on with me as of the moment:

-Khadiga, a foreign exchange student from Germany, is staying with me right now and leaving Tuesday morning.

-I'll be staying with her in Germany the day after graduation until the 28th of June, then going around Germany until the 10th of July with my German class.

-My birthday is going to be spent in Germany (July 4th)

-Feel free to donate money to me for the trip- I'm still trying to find ways to pay for it.

-My lovely little sister will be here from the end of May until the 17th of July and we'll be flying to Florida together and I'll be returning on the 31st of July.

-I get my official results from the California High School Proficiency Exam (CHSPE) April 20th (I can get unofficial ones on the 18th)

-That means my last week at school will probably be the week after break

-I will probably be attending College of the Redwoods in the fall

-I am working on getting a job at Eureka Reporter, Time-Standard, McKinleyville Press, or Tri-City Weekly.

-My current gaming addictions are MapleStory, Guitar Hero II, and Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga

-My current music addictions are Three Days Grace and 3 Doors Down

-Life is stressful and uncertain, but I'm living day to day and enjoying it as much as I can.

Boredom

Wed, 17 Jan 2007 04:58:29 GMT

What's your inner power? (Girls only sorry. Beautiful anime pictures, lengthy results)

Empathy- Your inner power is Empathy! This means that you have a talent for identifying others emotions, often by simply glancing at them. You are EXTREMELY shy and quiet. People sometimes dont notice youre around and seem surprised to find out you even exist in a big class. Youre the often silent, goody two shoes, and few get passed the walls youve built up to stop yourself being hurt, as you no doubt have been in the past. Not everyone understands you, in fact some think that youre a snob or worse because you rarely participate in group activities. Youre extremely sensitive, even the least harsh of words can hurt you. Only your very few, closest friends who have earned your hard-to-get trust know who you really are inside; a sweet, gentle young woman who is lonely and so desperately needing friends to support you. You can get very depressed and not always know why, despite your power of empathy, as it seems to only work for people outside you. Your friends always turn to you when they need advice or comforting, and in some way you need to give that helpit makes you feel better in return to know that youve helped out your friends. Despite your cold, impassive exterior and high, seemingly unbreachable walls, inside you are really a great, intelligent person, full of compassion and love, if only people would dare take a chance and try to get through your tough shell. Never let others get you down, or change you. You are very special the way you areeven if you dont have fifty thousand friends, you are just as, if not more extraordinary than everyone else. Reach for the stars, because I dont doubt youll catch hold of them. Boy/Girl who will sweep you off your feet: A sweet, shy and romantic man/woman. The kind of guy/woman you know will never, ever hurt you, and will love you for ever. The kind of person who believes in true love, and soul mates. Your stone: Blue Topaz Your power: Healing. Emotionally, physically, or spiritually, you heal people with your words, your actions and presence. Youre the one that the little children are always drawn to, because they know youll never let anything hurt them. Your element: Clairvoyance (The power to see objects or events that cannot be perceived by the normal five senses.) A quote that applies to you: "True beauty shines from the soul and warms the world with its kindness, compassion , and integrity."
Take this quiz!

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Lawl.

Wed, 27 Dec 2006 18:17:16 GMT

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Shidela sent to me...

Twelve plays troubleshooting

Eleven puzzles walking

Ten cats a-bowling

Nine beaches acting

Eight tickles a-playing

Seven birthdays a-travelling

Six kisses a-drawing

Five bo-o-o-oard games

Four word games

Three playing cards

Two sharp things

...and an icecream in a diversity.

Wee... New layout thingie.

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 21:31:51 GMT

Yay, as you can see, I've changed the look of my LJ. Purely out of boredom, and now I'm going to find something else to fend off my boredom. Like MapleStory! Yay for MapleStory.

Yaaaaaaaay

Mon, 04 Dec 2006 04:34:08 GMT

I'm officially taken, now. Dave asked me out not so long ago, which makes me excited, because I've been waiting for him to do so. Totally jacked his hoodie, too.

Anyway, on to my weekend (which was way too enjoyable)... On Friday, Dave, Kellen, Travis, Derek and I were all crammed into my room with a computer each. That's five computers and five bodies in a very small space. It also didn't help that it wasn't exactly clean. Anyway, right after school Dave, Derek, Kellen, Nooner and I all went and collected computers, a router, and ethernet cords from everyone's houses and dropped off everything at my house. By the time that happened, Dave and I had to go catch our 6:00 movie, Casino Royale (which, by the way, rocks), and totally ditch Derek and Kellen with Travis (who lives down the street) and they ended up taking Travis' computer and just bringing it over to my house, since I left it unlocked, while Dave and I were at the movies.

When we got back, after many technical difficulties, but none too big, we finally got everyone hooked up and connected to the internet when we totally went and played MapleStory all night (we were up until about 3AM, Travis had to leave midnight-ish) at which point most fell asleep on the closest comfortable surface. Kellen crashed on my bed, Derek in the corner by my closet, me on the guest bed and Dave started out in the same bed as me, but when he heard my mom waking up in the morning he moved to the spot by my door to be safe (despite my door being locked the whole night). It was a blast, to say the least. I'll be sure to write more later, but for now I suppose that's enough.

Boo!

Fri, 24 Nov 2006 11:39:08 GMT

I liiiiiiivvvvvveeee!

Wed, 27 Sep 2006 23:27:27 GMT

Yes, yes I know, I'm a horrible person who hasn't updated in ages. Been kinda busy. I've had plenty going on, but I dunno if I feel like typing that much right now. Actually, this is going to be 90% worthless. Yay! Okay, well I'm going to go eat now. Bai bai.

School

Wed, 30 Aug 2006 05:07:44 GMT

Well, school started for me yesterday, and I must say I think I'll be liking this year- enjoying my schedule so far. The day goes by really quickly. This is what my schedule is this year:

1st: German 1
2nd: Pre-Calculus Honors
3rd: IB/AP English 3
4th: Advanced Journalism
5th: Computer Programming (May change to AP)
6th: IB/AP US History

The only class I think I'm going to have ANY issues with will be AP US, since I did none of the summer homework and I don't take notes very fast, nor do I read fast, which is generally a recommended thing for AP History classes at my school it seems. *Loving* German so far, along with English, Comp. Prog. looks like it'll be fun, even if it is at Arcata and I'll basically be late every day to AP US. Journalism is, well, Journalism :P. If I do indeed change Comp. Prog. to AP that'll be 4 AP/Honors courses that have an extra GPA point... So an A=5.0, B=4.0 C=3.0. I don't believe Ds and Fs get the bump, though.

GAH

Sun, 27 Aug 2006 18:25:08 GMT

WoW keeps on breaking and it's making me sad.