Shidela (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} shidela) wrote,@ 2008-08-09 23:53:00 |
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The Truth.
I think it’s funny that someone can be cheated on by his girlfriend and cheat on her just the same and yet neither do anything about it because they are afraid of starting conflict and ending their little dream. Especially since both of them are so against the idea of adultery, yet they both commit it and think they aren’t in the wrong for doing so and yet think the other is, however, wrong for doing the same thing.
She believes they will be together forever. Forever is the word she used, not even one I conjured. They’ve moved in together, so I suppose she thinks that’s a sign her prediction is true. To quote him, though, he will love me forever. He said this long ago, and has since confirmed its truth several times over through word and action, even recently. Why am I not with him, then, instead of the current girlfriend that he lives with whilst they both commit adultery? Because he’s a typical man, at least in the sense that he wants to be with other women before he feels like he has settled down-- thinking with his dick, as he said.
Which, mind you, is completely normal and to be expected of any man his age, my age. I may not like the idea, but I suppose that’s something I have to live with until he gets through this stage of his life. At the same time, I wonder if he ever will come back to me, and I wonder if I want him back after all of this. His best friend seems to think he will come back to me in time, and thinks that while she is a fleeting fancy, I am the one that will always be there and someone he will always love and care about. Again, I am quoting.
This will probably not be something he will be pleased to read, nor will she. However, if they aren’t pleased by the truth of the situation, then something is inherently wrong to begin with and should be looked at. I’m not saying I’m trying to help or change the situation, I’m just saying what I know to be true, and though it may not be pretty, it’s there. I may lose his friendship over this, but I’m willing to risk that. He may think I’m a bitch, and I won’t deny it. He knows this is part of who I am and tells me not to hide it, so I’m not. I’m being what I wanted to be for so long, vindictively harsh and somewhat manipulative, perhaps. Maybe I am just putting on the suit of the jealous ex-girlfriend, I’m not sure. I guess it goes along with being a woman and a Blasdell; we’re all stubborn to a fault.
I'm holding on to the fragments of what once was in hopes that they may be pieced back together one day. I tried to let them go, but they have pierced my heart so deeply that they can't leave. I tried to give him an ultimatum. I couldn't hold myself to it. I couldn’t even consider being with another man intimately, even just as friends, without feeling like I was betraying him, cheating on him. I’m willing to admit that I’m hopelessly devoted to him. In my mind, I’ve been with him for just about four years now. I have had other boyfriends and crushes, I won’t deny that one bit, but once I look back (with my 20/20 hindsight as my History professor called it), he’s been the only one my heart has attached itself to with no doubt.
Truth is an ugly thing, if you think about it. Lies are what make it truly hideous, however.
I think it’s funny that someone can be cheated on by his girlfriend and cheat on her just the same and yet neither do anything about it because they are afraid of starting conflict and ending their little dream. Especially since both of them are so against the idea of adultery, yet they both commit it and think they aren’t in the wrong for doing so and yet think the other is, however, wrong for doing the same thing.
She believes they will be together forever. Forever is the word she used, not even one I conjured. They’ve moved in together, so I suppose she thinks that’s a sign her prediction is true. To quote him, though, he will love me forever. He said this long ago, and has since confirmed its truth several times over through word and action, even recently. Why am I not with him, then, instead of the current girlfriend that he lives with whilst they both commit adultery? Because he’s a typical man, at least in the sense that he wants to be with other women before he feels like he has settled down-- thinking with his dick, as he said.
Which, mind you, is completely normal and to be expected of any man his age, my age. I may not like the idea, but I suppose that’s something I have to live with until he gets through this stage of his life. At the same time, I wonder if he ever will come back to me, and I wonder if I want him back after all of this. His best friend seems to think he will come back to me in time, and thinks that while she is a fleeting fancy, I am the one that will always be there and someone he will always love and care about. Again, I am quoting.
This will probably not be something he will be pleased to read, nor will she. However, if they aren’t pleased by the truth of the situation, then something is inherently wrong to begin with and should be looked at. I’m not saying I’m trying to help or change the situation, I’m just saying what I know to be true, and though it may not be pretty, it’s there. I may lose his friendship over this, but I’m willing to risk that. He may think I’m a bitch, and I won’t deny it. He knows this is part of who I am and tells me not to hide it, so I’m not. I’m being what I wanted to be for so long, vindictively harsh and somewhat manipulative, perhaps. Maybe I am just putting on the suit of the jealous ex-girlfriend, I’m not sure. I guess it goes along with being a woman and a Blasdell; we’re all stubborn to a fault.
I'm holding on to the fragments of what once was in hopes that they may be pieced back together one day. I tried to let them go, but they have pierced my heart so deeply that they can't leave. I tried to give him an ultimatum. I couldn't hold myself to it. I couldn’t even consider being with another man intimately, even just as friends, without feeling like I was betraying him, cheating on him. I’m willing to admit that I’m hopelessly devoted to him. In my mind, I’ve been with him for just about four years now. I have had other boyfriends and crushes, I won’t deny that one bit, but once I look back (with my 20/20 hindsight as my History professor called it), he’s been the only one my heart has attached itself to with no doubt.
Truth is an ugly thing, if you think about it. Lies are what make it truly hideous, however.
